Let’s just talk about the tidal wave of emotions after an MRI on my breasts. Laying on my stomach, arms above my head, an IV line in for contrast and my breasts just hanging out in their own compartment for easy imaging. The MRI itself wasn’t horrible. I did lay there for what seemed like eternity, the tech forgot to start my music. The test was about 45 minutes to an hour and for the most part it was fairly easy. The nausea, the overall sick feeling added to that the emotions of all that had transpired in 14 days hit me like a ton of bricks. Sitting in my car outside the medical facility, the tears just began to cascade down my face like a waterfall. Quickly the tears turned into a sob of epic proportions, I was uncontrollably sobbing, I was exhausted. I don’t want to do any of this, I don’t want cancer, I don’t want to take Toby and the girls down this path. I don’t understand any of this. How does this even work? Chemo, surgery, radiation, work, family, friends, how the hell do I tell people? The guilt of getting cancer, the fear of the unknown. How did I get hear? (more on that later) I sat in that parking lot and cried til I had nothing left. I pulled myself together and drove home. I was starving, exhausted and all I really wanted was to be hugged by Toby. Just a touch of his hand brings calm to my emotions. It took a lifetime to find him and I look forward to loving him and traveling the world with him for 15,000 sunsets.
Forty eight hours after the gut wrenching cry, Toby and I are anxiously waiting to meet with my team of Doctors to finally have a game plan. Waiting was agonizing. We sat in the exam room for over an hour waiting for the first of many doctors. Finally the surgeon who will be removing the tumor from my breast enters the room. She immediately introduced herself, dropped a bomb on me and all Toby could do was watch me crumble. It appears we did not catch this early. There’s an indication of possible cancer in your chest wall. The tumor is larger than initially measured. We are looking at potentially stage 3 possibly stage 4 breast cancer. You will need more testing. Of all the doctors I’ve seen to this point , this is the only one I dislike. The dislike is not because of the news she delivered but her lack of compassion and the fact that she showed absolutely no hope in the moment she handed me a life altering, life ending diagnosis. Matter of fact, straight forward approach is great, but who are you to take the hope away from another human being? There is always hope!! You are only a doctor and you may know a great deal about cancer, but it appears as though you do not know how your actions, behavior or demeanor towards a patient affects them and leaves them feeling like death is imminent. That is what you did to me as you delivered my diagnosis and stared at me blankly as a looked at you for hope.
Two other doctors came in the room that day, I honestly have no idea what they had to say. I actually stopped the appointment with the 3rd doctor in the room. It was too much, I could not comprehend anymore and I don’t want to be here any longer. Appointments for a pet scan and to meet my oncologist are set up. Now I have to tell my mom I have cancer. First Toby and I stop at Loveland Lake. Its a place I’ve gone to several times over the years to take in the beauty of the lake and to think. Today I needed to just be angry, just be in the moment, and be anywhere but the doctors office. I needed a moment to process what had just been thrown at me. How the hell do I tell people? How much time do I have? Is this really happening? My heart breaks looking at Toby, thinking about our daughters. How do I tell Taylor, Morgan and Ashlyn? How will Annika, Ella and Teilor take the news. Our blended family is about to go down a path that life doesn’t prepare you for.
Telling my mom was hard. Less than 3 hours after a life bomb was dropped on me, I’m telling my mom via facetime that I have breast cancer. It is emotional, she handled it quite well, though the whole truth was not divulged. I could not, I was not ready, I don’t what I’m dealing with, I need time, I need answers, I need my mindset to shift.