On January 20,2021 I meet my oncologist. She’s about to drop more on me, but her delivery is direct with compassion. Since the initial meeting with my medical team last week, I had a pet scan done. A pet scan is a test to see if cancer has spread to other areas of my body. Radioactive sugar is injected through an IV line. I waited about an hour and the images are taken of my body. Sugar is used because cancer loves sugar. The areas where high levels of sugar are concentrated will light up on a pet scan. The results of this scan indicate cancer from my neck to my thighs. Serious concerns for a spot on my lung, my liver, my kidney and multiple spots on my spine. I look her in the eyes and ask her if I can beat this, what’s our game plan? Her response was that I need to have a couple spots biopsied. It’s very rare that breast cancer metastasizes to the kidney. I believe its like 3% of the time. We need the results of the biopsies to form a game plan or treatment path.
On January 27, 2021 I had the biopsies of my kidney and my lung completed. This day ranks pretty high as worst days ever. The doctor performing the biopsy was amazing. CT guided biopsy and he was able to get a sample from my kidney that I would later here was absolutely incredible because the spot on the kidney was very small. The lung could have been tricky as well, there is always a risk of collapsing a lung. Scary. The part about this day was with the “nurse” in the pre and post op area. To say being in her care was rough is an understatement. I hesitate to go in to detail only because everyone can have a bad day. Let me just say my anxiety was through the roof and I’m not an anxious person. The woman helping me seemed to fumble over everything from my name, to the procedure I was having done, did I need an IV, should she draw my blood, what meds should she give me. I simply stated, “how about the meds ordered by the anesthesiologist involved with my procedure today?” Her response was not reassuring, ‘Well I would accept I’m not sure whose involved with your procedure or exactly what you’re having done today.” Ok, Ok I understand that this could be true for nurses across the country, just do not verbalize it to your patient. As a patient all I wanted was to be reassured that the professionals around me knew what they were doing. Still no reassurance when the nurse and yes her name tag said RN went to draw my blood and said to the other RN in the room, “I will go high so if I miss the vein you can go low and get the blood sample.” I immediately pulled my arm away and said “do not stick me with that thought process, I’m not a pin cushion.” At this point I can not listen to this woman any longer. I need to find my peaceful place. I closed my eyes, Toby and I are on the beach in Hawaii. Ironically the machine next to me oddly sounded like waves, it was perfect. With tears streaming down my face I focus on the sound of the “waves” and holding Toby’s hand as we walk down the beach.
On the night of January 28, 2021 Toby and I had a moment. I am a bundle of nerves. I am scared to be hopeful, because what if tomorrow I’m crushed by the words of my oncologist. I want to live a long happy active life with Toby. Please don’t take that away from me, us. I want a fighting chance. If I have to prove the doctors wrong I will. Just give me a chance to fight. We’ve really just found each other and we have so much living to do. I wanted him to know how much I love him and anything is possible together. He shared he had listened to Tim McGraw’s live like you are dying and he bawled his eyes out. I know he wants to fix this, its what he does, he makes things right for all us. We agreed we take one step at a time and we do it together. I love that man.
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